melancholy around the edges.

I just got off of the phone with my best friend in the whole world, Nora. N-Dawg. She moved away in March and I miss her a lot. A lot a lot a lot, like something is sort of missing from the inside of me. But when we talk on the phone, we talk on the phone for hours, and when I hang up I feel for half a second that everything is falling apart and that the world is too quiet but then that feeling goes away and I feel like everything is wonderful and beautiful and that I'm incredibly blessed. So I'm in a great mood because of that, all smiley and dancey to Glee music.

I wasn't feeling so happy earlier, and actually blogged a little bit. It's kind of scrambled and has no real point, so I don't think I'll paste it onto this new entry. Basically I was just feeling melancholy. Which is a bit how I feel all of the time these days. Ugh. Combine that last bit with the entry from yesterday (today, 2am, really) and it makes me look like I'm… really sad. In life. Like I'm really sad in life. Which I guess isn't true. I'm a fairly happy person. I have my best friends, the ones with which I play poker and giggle and eat guacamole and the ones with which I talk to on Skype and text silly things to. I have my iPod and my deck of cards that I continually am shuffling and gut-busting tv shows to watch. And I have that strange ability, as illustrated yesterday, to find beauty in the ugliest things. And thus, I am happy.

But I think… I think my heart is broken. A little bit. That phrase is impossibly corny and cliché and all of that, but I mean, a phrase is a phrase because it often makes sense. And I think it does. I don't think my heart is broken in that whole all-consuming, shattered pieces everywhere, crying, unbearable pain sort of broken. Thankfully. Just a little bit cracked on the sides, enough for a decent amount of melancholy to seep in. And it just stays there with me, every second of every day. I can still function and I can still smile and I can still have a really good poker face but I'm just… I'm a little bit melancholy around the edges.

Maybe someday I'll go into what happened a little less vaguely, but for now I'm content to live for the moments when the happiness completely envelopes and disguises the melancholy for just a few moments. The moments where I win the jackpot in iPod slots or that first sip of Diet Coke or the satisfaction of finishing my required reading for the day early or even eating a banana. Cuz I mean, when it comes down to it, it really is all of the little things that make you happy, right?