I met my first real, and current, girlfriend in eighth grade. While I agree, for the most part, with those who say that middle schoolers can't be "in love", I came across something this morning that makes me think that it may be possible, on a different (and perhaps lesser) level.
I remember being close to her in eighth grade, and sometimes experiencing feelings in my stomach that I couldn't quite explain, but I wouldn't say that I was in love with her. I was so young, so naive, and in that year, so incredibly depressed. However, I had forgotten the light that she brought me during that year.
I found these few paragraphs on an old private blog from 8th grade. The writing is choppy and awkward and a little bit superficial-sounding, but there's... emotion behind it. This strange kind of 14-year old emotion, that's shrouded in mystery and confusion, but pure and informative nonetheless.
This girl is dark haired with dark chocolate eyes. She has curly hair, although sometimes she straightens it and sometimes she uses curling stuff. I personally like the curly days better, curly hair as always had an effect on me. Our friendship is complicated and simple on so many levels. I really have no idea where to start. I suppose at our first meeting or maybe our first experience of friendship…? This girl is so much like me, yet so different. She is quiet and shy and thoughtful and kind and many other things. While I like to think that I’m thoughtful and kind and a bit shy and quiet, I’m also loud and outgoing to a certain extent. I, as my favorite saying right now goes, am truly a child at heart. I love to play little games like “don’t wake Daddy” and play on monkey bars. I’m a bit silly and goofy and always laughing, loudly.
Wait, am I describing this girl or myself? This girl is quiet and shy to people she doesn’t know, but when she knows you well, she can open up. In fact, last night, I went to a funfair with her at her old Elementary School, and it was so fun. I loved it so much. We ate a lot of sugar and I had 2 sodas and we were silly and so was she and it may have been the best night of my life. I kept laughing and giggling and running all over the place and it was so much fun.
Wait, am I talking about the funfair or this girl? She is this queen of understanding, a real genius. She gets me. I wish I couldn’t say this, but sometimes that scares me. I have a lot of baggage, lol, and some of that I wish to cover up, I wish I could hide in my shell of sarcasm and just disappear, but she is there and she is knowing me and understanding me and the conversations on the internet we have are so intense I feel the room cloud and I just want to cry because I am so glad I have someone to talk to. But it takes a lot out of me and I have to watch the Office or some other show to get my mind out of the depression of the world, because the world sucks. I mean, I can’t blame Jan for not wanting to bring a baby in this world (although that skank totally broke Michaels heart by knocking herself up with some sperm-donaters baby when she can have Michaels wonderful, albeit creepy, sperm!) because it really sucks. I almost said, “f***s” lol. Okay, so this whole thing isn’t working out very well. I need to make paragraphs.
I clearly felt something for this girl, and even when I was attempting to open up about it, I hid behind "lol"s and tv references and awkward catch phrases. It's just so interesting to me, how I can read this now and see so clearly: I had such a crush on this girl. But then, I chalked it up to our "complicated friendship." While I wasn't in love with her, I can just tell from my words that I felt something extremely strong for her. But I pushed those thoughts and feeling away, partly for the sake of preserving the friendship, but mostly because I simply could not fathom the idea that I might be prone to falling in love with girls.*
Now, of course, I know that I am in love with her. Now, I kind of sort of believe in soul mates, because although I'm not ready to share what I've been through this year, I know that there is no one else I would stick around like this for. The feelings that have kept me going for the past nine months started years ago, when I was too young to understand love, and to me, that's everything.
PS: Just an observation: how the hell did I not know I had ADD until this year?! I could barely focus long enough to write a paragraph or finish a complete thought. How did no one else notice? Did I just hide this from everyone, unknowingly? Aye.
*I purposely didn't write "attracted" in that sentence, and this is why: for me, my attraction (general term) is mostly emotional. I'm probably equally physically attracted to boys as I am to girls, but my emotional attraction and the emotional just... overpowering chemical effects I feel is what makes my "bisexual ratio" about 9:1. There is just something about the complexity of girls that 1) drives me up the wall and 2) makes me melt into a worthless pile of goo.
