I have no idea who I am. And this sucks because I used to be one of the only people I know who had things figured out. The key to life, so to speak. There are only a few things that I know to be true these days.
- I feel most comfortable in a tshirt and cardigan. It makes me feel thin, which if anyone knows me at all, would say that me thinking anything but is ridiculous, "you're so thin! omfg!" I know it's ridiculous. I know I'm thin, too thin, maybe. But I have terrible body-image and one of my greatest fears is gaining too much weight, or appearing fat. I don't really know where it comes from. It's just something I struggle with. Days where I'm happy with my body leave me feeling confident and able to focus on actual things that matter.
- I'm incredibly self-centered, while at the same time extremely judgmental of those who think too highly of themselves and/or are obsessed with protecting themselves. I am not proud of this. It is an extremely disturbing character trait that I have developed, and I'm working hard to get it to go away.
- I'm a hypocrite! Don't you see? The last half of the last point I made was me trying to protect myself from people calling me an ass for thinking like that. It's disgusting, disturbing. No wonder I have such poor self-esteem.
- (I'm going to try and think of something positive about myself now. Although it's been clearly stated that I need no help in the pay-more-attention-to-yourself column, beating myself up isn't going to get me anywhere.) I like food.
- I like online shopping. I don't know why, but I take this strange kind of solace in making lists of things I'd like, things that maybe would make me happy. Okay, scratch that. I do know why. I'm a materialistic american who thinks that shiny water bottles and crisp, clean notebooks I'll never write in will make me happy. I'm searching for some way to be happy.
- Okay, I'm sorry, but seriously, could I be more pathetic right now? This entire list is turning into a pity party, party of one. And it's seriously annoying. My opinion of myself changes so rapidly, between thinking that I'm okay, that I'll make it, that maybe-just-maybe, I have something special about me, to "oh my god. I'm. so. pa. the. thic. sobsobsbsob!!1" It's annoying. And pathetic. God, it's like a vicious cycle or self-loathing and narcissism.
- Last thing. This is the last thing I know. I really really don't like who I am. But I'm not just going to give up on myself, because I know that I can be a good person. And not just for me, for those that I love. For those that I have ignored and betrayed and cast to the side in these past few months. I owe it to the people I love to stop being so goddamn pathetic, grow a pair, and more importantly: grow up.
