quotations and poems ahoy!

I haven't blogged in ages, and I'm really disappointed about that, but I mean… school started and life got crazy and life got sad and life got sidesplittingly funny and life got glorious and life got momentsofbreakdowns and life got staringattheceilingsmiling and I don't have any regrets thus far, in my seven days of my junior year, but I really ought to blog more. For me. Because right after laughter, writing is the best medicine. For me. There is this quote that I love, by Ray Bradbury. It's so beautiful that I have it committed to memory from reciting it over and over again to myself.


"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you."


I'm gaga for quotations. They're beautiful snapshots of life, of personality, of beauty. I'm blessed to be friends with some of the most hilarious people in the whole world, who constantly have me doubled over in laughter or sitting back in awe at something said brilliantly. I don't even… I always remember something said by John Green about spending life behind a camera, that sometimes you have to just put it down and live, but I think I've become too dependent on that notion. I want to remember these moments where I could hardly breathe or my head was just swimming with all of the possibilities of the world. The feelings I had because of them. I don't know. My Facebook quotations section is filling to the brim daily, all alphabetized and organized. Reading it just makes me smile when I want to frown.


It's really ironic how I talked about my horrible 8th grade poetry a couple entries ago, and now I'm reobsessed with poetry. It literally happened two days ago. I was hanging out at my friend's house after school on Friday, waiting for my mom to pick me up, and she randomly took her book of 100 poems off of her shelf and wanted me to read some. And then we started reading them out loud and figuring out meanings and it was… great. It was nerdy and the sun was pouring through the windows and I had to leave soon, but it was just… the words, the everything.


That night, we were on Facebook chat, and we were suddenly just changing the words to our favorite poems into things that applied to our lives and it was just nerdy. Nerdy and cool and now I'm falling in love with words again. And then on Saturday, todayyesterdayit's1:20am, we pretty much did the same thing all day. I read Love That Dog by Sharon Creech and the part you know if you've read the book made my vision blurred and eyes shiny. Just, Sky. That beautiful dog. And I read more poems and started Tuesdays with Morrie and I came home with four books, the previously mentioned, a poem anthology, a collection of Emily Dickinson poems, and Gradma Torrelli Makes Soup.


To keep from nerd overload, I'm going to stop rambling and leave you with this poem by Paul Verlaine.


Tears fall in my heart
Rain falls on the town;
what is this numb hurt
that enters my heart?


Ah,the soft sound of rain
on roofs, on the ground!
To a dulled heart they came,
ah, the song of the rain!


Tears without reason
in the disheartened heart.
What? no trace of treason?
This grief's without reason.


It's far the worst pain
to never know why
without love or disdain
my heart has such pain!

melancholy around the edges.

I just got off of the phone with my best friend in the whole world, Nora. N-Dawg. She moved away in March and I miss her a lot. A lot a lot a lot, like something is sort of missing from the inside of me. But when we talk on the phone, we talk on the phone for hours, and when I hang up I feel for half a second that everything is falling apart and that the world is too quiet but then that feeling goes away and I feel like everything is wonderful and beautiful and that I'm incredibly blessed. So I'm in a great mood because of that, all smiley and dancey to Glee music.

I wasn't feeling so happy earlier, and actually blogged a little bit. It's kind of scrambled and has no real point, so I don't think I'll paste it onto this new entry. Basically I was just feeling melancholy. Which is a bit how I feel all of the time these days. Ugh. Combine that last bit with the entry from yesterday (today, 2am, really) and it makes me look like I'm… really sad. In life. Like I'm really sad in life. Which I guess isn't true. I'm a fairly happy person. I have my best friends, the ones with which I play poker and giggle and eat guacamole and the ones with which I talk to on Skype and text silly things to. I have my iPod and my deck of cards that I continually am shuffling and gut-busting tv shows to watch. And I have that strange ability, as illustrated yesterday, to find beauty in the ugliest things. And thus, I am happy.

But I think… I think my heart is broken. A little bit. That phrase is impossibly corny and cliché and all of that, but I mean, a phrase is a phrase because it often makes sense. And I think it does. I don't think my heart is broken in that whole all-consuming, shattered pieces everywhere, crying, unbearable pain sort of broken. Thankfully. Just a little bit cracked on the sides, enough for a decent amount of melancholy to seep in. And it just stays there with me, every second of every day. I can still function and I can still smile and I can still have a really good poker face but I'm just… I'm a little bit melancholy around the edges.

Maybe someday I'll go into what happened a little less vaguely, but for now I'm content to live for the moments when the happiness completely envelopes and disguises the melancholy for just a few moments. The moments where I win the jackpot in iPod slots or that first sip of Diet Coke or the satisfaction of finishing my required reading for the day early or even eating a banana. Cuz I mean, when it comes down to it, it really is all of the little things that make you happy, right?