happiness equates with gardening.

I think he chased the happiness out of me. I think he chased it out and it fled and now it's hiding somewhere and it's up to me to find it again. I don't want to find it again! I just found what I believed to be this special kind of confidence-induced happiness. It was everything, the new clothes and the closeness with my best friend and the games and the hard work of being individually motivated and it was him, him, him, but it wasn't, and it was, but it was me too, and now it's gone. It's like I finally opened up to someone and I gave it to him and I unrealistically expected him to water it like a figurative tomato plant and then he never did and it died and the seeds floated away and planted themselves somewhere else. And I have to find them or I have to grow new ones, and it took so long to grow those damn figurative happiness seeds and I don't want to do it all over again.

It's a good day and then it's a bad day for Team Dig. It started off with a headache, but then I got over it and I bonded and felt incredibly close to my dad and replaced my lost temps for driving and now I can drive and I ate at my favorite restaurant and tonight I get to see my family, my favorite uncles who I haven't seen in ages, since Christmastime, and there are a lot of things to be excited and happy and positive about but… Leave me alone in a new, crowded place with headphones full of music and a book full of sorrow and a head full of thoughts, and things start to happen. My eyes start to slip from the book and look deeper into my own mind and I have all of these introspective thoughts, and they're really lovely for that good deep dark writing I've loved since 8th grade (ha! dudes! remind me to share some of my 8th grade poetry sometime ;)) but at the same time, it really bums me out and my eyelids start to feel heavy and I know they're looking dull to the passersby and my legs get twitchy and cold and I realize things I wish I wouldn't and I start to understand things I wish I couldn't and it's just more than slightly uncool.

It's many many hours (maybe 24) later now, and I just read back what I wrote and jeez… that was really sad. I was really sad. I mean, just reading about the fact that I felt that someone had chased my happiness away really just… ugh. That's terrible. I don't feel that way right now, that my happiness plant or whatever the crap that is has blown away or what have you, but that's probably just because today is a really good day. I went to bed early last night (midnight, considered early, ahhh, school is gonna suck) and this morning I woke up around 11 and made lunch and watched tv and worked on my mini wall project some more and tonight I get to go to this fest with my friend and sleep over at her house. Getting out and moving on, that's what I'm doing.

I didn't really have any funny text conversations yesterday, I was pretty busy, but I did have a very cute text conversation! My friend got a new guinea pig and I get to meet him in about a week and a half and when I asked if the new pig was a boy or a girl he said, "A young boy named Pepper." Cutest sentence ever. I love how he talks. I am so excited to meet his new pig. Eek!

Bye for now, amigos!