There is a lot that I don't tell people. Even the people that I'm closest to. I guess it's because I know that honestly, they don't want to hear it. If they really care about me, it will make them sad and a little, screaming part of me will always believe that telling too much about the side of me that is very, very dark will push them away. Because, who really wants an unstable friend? Someone you can't depend on to just be… normal? And if they don't care, it will just make them feel awkward. I can always tell.
But the people who care… they may tell me that they want me to tell them when something is going very, very wrong, but I don't tell them. How do you explain to someone that you spend an evening shaking, with your heart beating rapidly, and your brain feeling like it's ripping apart at the seams from a mixture of dull pain and haunting images, when you can't even explain why?
I spend so many of my moments worrying about other people, so how can anyone blame me when I don't want to inflict that brain-crippling worry on anyone else? I'd be lying, though, if I said that the reasons for me keeping in my unexplainable moments of panic is purely selfless. It's not, really. I'm terrified of letting people know that I have these moments, where my heart won't stop beating and I feel my chest constrict and everything feels empty and numb and painful all at the same time. I know that weakness is a part of being human, and that isn't the point. My worry is that someday, people will start to realize that I'm more trouble than I'm worth, and leave. I'm afraid that someday, everyone will realize that they're better off without me and just… leave. And I won't have these amazing people in my life anymore. They'll just be gone, and I'll be alone.
A logical part of me knows that I'll wake up tomorrow and have very little memory of this empty and yet aching feeling in my chest. I'll wake up to my alarm at 5:45, groan, kiss my dog, and get into the shower. I'll put in my hair mousse and the whole bathroom will smell good and I'll adjust my sweater and make funny faces in the mirror. I'll eat some incredibly non-breakfast-food breakfast and watch whatever episode of South Park I'm on on Netflix Instant Play. I'll go to school and see my friends and play Angry Birds in math and listen to music that makes me smile and I'll probably have a good day. But right now, even though I know that nothing is wrong and that tomorrow holds unknown promise, I can't stop my body from twitching and shaking and sinking.
I guess the point of this wasn't to try to open up to more people about my heart-stuttering anxiety or to try and get my feelings off of my chest. I guess, to be honest, the real reason for this was because twenty minutes ago, I was laying in bed, trying so many different things to ease my mind, and none of them were working. I tried to play Fastball 2, but it got me feeling even more panic-y , and then I started to read, but the content of the book I was reading completely collided with some of the things my brain was (unnecessarily) freaking out about, and so I wrote this. As a cure for my unrelenting mind.
I think it helped. And I'm really sorry if this post made anyone feel uncomfortable, it's just that Nora has been begging me to blog for the longest time, and I decided to try and kill two birds with one stone. And I really do think it helped.
You sound so much like me it's scary D:
ReplyDeleteSorry that sounds really creepy since I haven't commented before but I have your blog in my google reader feeds and I enjoy it :)
But yeah, I get that feeling too, even though I wake up fine...
Also, *here* have a hug ^_^
Rachel xx
I was also going to ask for a blog but now I don't need to. M, I can't say I know how you feel but I can say that I will not be scared away from you because you've told us what you were scared to tell. You're a strong and wonderful person and I'm sure your panic and anxiety will pass with time. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteIt's really good to see you! Thanks for sharing that with us, I know it must be hard on you. But I think you're a really funny and cool person and not at all trouble. Virtual hug?
ReplyDeleteit's my belief that everyone has a little bit of instability in them. so don't be, uh, quick to assume that they'll push you away. por ejemplo, i am so fucked up that nothing will ever push me away, least of all coming from you. even if it's scary, know that *i* am always here for you. no matter what. we're mobuffs, dig, you can tell me anything.
ReplyDeletealso, i will never be better off without you. you are one of the only amazing people/things in my life...one of the constants, my best friend, i know you're always there, i know ya love me (even when i'm a dumbass or creepy or whatever), and i love you. i would never leave you, and i hope that you'd never leave me, because that'd be the end of me as the person i am. i think without you, i'd shrink inside myself, which scares me more than anything. idk.
oh, you have no idea how big my smile was when i saw this in my feed. thanks for blogging, but i hope it wasn't just for me ;) if you like it, blog more; i know me and all the others who read will love to see you blog more. <3
MARISSA POST! :D
ReplyDeleteSometimes, I get scared that we're super similar, but this time, it was more comforting than scary, because I know that there's someone out there who feels just like me.
Whatever are we to do, eh? We will manage!!!!!
I hope that things get better M, I really do. And I promise they will.
<3
I definitely know that feeling that you're talking about, but I also know that it's conquerable. You may feel that you’ll only hurt and worry your friends when you tell them about these out-of-the-blue breakdowns, but, in the end, it helps everyone when you speak out. They’re probably worrying about you anyway, so when you choose to confide in them, while it may make them a little sad, they’ll mostly be relieved and overjoyed that you trust them enough to tell them. And talking about frights really does help get over them.
ReplyDeleteEven if you don’t agree with this, know that your blog followers will be here for you, and you can’t argue about that!
-Kat
I definitely know that feeling that you're talking about, but I also know that it's conquerable. You may feel that you’ll only hurt and worry your friends when you tell them about these out-of-the-blue breakdowns, but, in the end, it helps everyone when you speak out. They’re probably worrying about you anyway, so when you choose to confide in them, while it may make them a little sad, they’ll mostly be relieved and overjoyed that you trust them enough to tell them. And talking about frights really does help get over them.
ReplyDeleteEven if you don’t agree with this, know that your blog followers will be here for you, and you can’t argue about that!
Speaking about things as you have here is a good start Dear. People will listen. Don't mind-read others, express how you feel. I would seriously suggest seeing a cognitive therapist. I would also recommend a book by a Dr. Burns. It has a really silly title but it has been very helpful to me, The Feeling Good Handbook.
ReplyDeleteGood luck. And know that you are not alone.